How to deal with betrayal at work

DEAR WW: I am having a really tough time working with a co-worker who betrayed me. I just can’t forgive or forget what happened. BURNED

DEAR BURNED:

A 34-year-old man in Hollywood, Fla., refused to pay $80 for a $78 towing bill. He demanded $2 in change, but the tow truck driver said he didn’t have any change. The towee was so upset that he jumped on the truck in order to confront the driver, however he slipped and fell under the truck to his death.

It seems like a steep price to pay for $2, don’t you think? But how many times have you held a grudge at work for something just as inconsequential? Admit it plenty of times. Betrayal happens all the time at work. And, believe it or not, it’s often overcome. I’ve listed some strategies below to let the healing begin. For more, check out “Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace” by Reina and Reina (Berrett-Koehler, 1999).

Do you discuss what happened? Have you ever had someone hold a grudge with you over something that you didn’t even realize was grudge-able? I have, and I’m embarrassed to also admit that I’ve held grudges, too. So I’ve been on both sides of this. That’s why I think it’s so important to talk to other people when you are bothered by their behavior. Don’t rub their nose in it, but do bring it up.

Do you allow feelings to surface? We hate emotions at work. But given the intensity of most of our jobs we need outlets to get stuff off our chests. Remember this is betrayal we’re talking about. I’d be surprised if the person didn’t have some strong feelings about what happened. This doesn’t mean that you have to become a human punching bag, but that it makes sense to give them a chance to blow off some steam.

Do you give support? My mom said that it was always important to think about what you liked about a person whenever you attempt to criticize them. That way you’ll be more balanced in what you say. So even as you accentuate the negative, try to come up with a few positives.
Do you reframe the experience? Sometimes just by viewing what happened through the other person’s eyes can help you appreciate why they acted as they did.

Do you accept your responsibility for what happened? It takes two to tango. It’s rare that something is 100 percent someone else’s fault. Accept your part of the blame, even if it’s just a small amount, and you should have enough goodwill to move past it.

Do you forgive? Maybe it’s just that I’ve screwed up a lot, but I’m a big believer in giving people a second chance. Heck, even a third, fourth or fifth. If you can appreciate your own imperfections, then hopefully you can be more charitable with other peoples’.

Betrayal is serious, but is it worth killing off an important work relationship?

Working Wounded poll:
What is your best strategy for dealing with a coworker who betrays you?

• Forgive and forget, 6 percent
• Stick it to ’em, 15.1 percent
• Steer clear of ’em, 78.7 percent

Working Wounded strategy:

Our winning strategy for dealing with betrayal comes from J.M. in Gainesville, Fla..:

“Behave with maturity. Your enemy is anger. Don’t waste time, energy, or negative emotion, getting even. Focus on long-term goals: performance, promotion, retirement. If appropriate, discuss betrayal. For serious betrayal, say ‘You have betrayed me. It will be a long time before I feel I can trust you again.’ Guard your conversation, and restrict unnecessary activity with these people. Maintain a courteous and professional demeanor. Prepare your mind. For the next eight hours, preserve your focus, poise, and judgment.”

Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. Sherrie Campbell is a relationship and business professional, having applied her counseling background in a variety of challenging organizational settings. They’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, especially if you have better ideas than they do. Also check out their complete column archive at workmash.org, “The Boss’s Survival Guide” and “Gray Matters: The workplace survival guide.” Send your questions or comments to bob@workmash.org.