How to deal with someone you think is lying

DEAR WW: I’ve never caught my co-worker in a lie. But my gut says that he is seriously truth-challenged. Is there anything that I can do to ensure that he’s telling me the truth? FACT FINDER

DEAR FINDER:

A consumer recently sued Kraft Food over its Guacamole dip. It turns out that the dip contains less than 2 percent avocados. According to the label, the other 98 percent is fillers and other stuff like modified food starch, coconut and soybean oils, corn syrup and food coloring. The woman filing the lawsuit said the dip just didn’t taste “avocadoey.”

As you try to sort out the exact percentage of truth in what your co-worker tells you, you’ll have to sort through a lot of fillers. Below, I’ve listed a series of strategies to try to extract the truth from your co-worker. Many of these strategies are borrowed from the U.S. Army’s book on interrogations. For more, check out Hartley and Karinch’s book “How to Spot a Liar” (Career Press, 2005).

Ask direct questions. It’s easy to overlook, but often you can catch someone telling a lie by just asking them a series of questions. Don’t shine bright lights in their eyes and pretend it’s a TV detective show, just keep asking questions to give them the opportunity to tell you the truth or admit that they’ve been less than candid in the past.

Do you offer incentives? Anyone who is a regular reader of this column knows that I really believe in the power of incentives. And, unfortunately, the incentives today at many companies encourage white lies, fibs and flat-out lying. That’s why it’s important to correct this mistake and find reasons that you can offer to your co-worker where he’ll be rewarded for telling you the truth.

Do you sometimes reduce the fear? In my experience, a certain amount of lying at work happens because the liar wants to protect the “lie-ee” from being hurt by the truth. Again, be sure to communicate to people that you can handle the truth by not freaking out when you are told something difficult and people just might start making a stronger commitment to reality when they are speaking to you.

Do you use repetition? Hartley and Karinch say that in the west we struggle with repetition. But they say that by just repeating a question a couple of times you can sometimes get the other person to acknowledge that they’re being less than truthful.

Do you use silence? Even tougher than trying to handle the truth, many of us have an even tougher time with silence. We just want to fill it up any silences with words. You can use this to your advantage by giving the other person enough quiet to see whether they’ll choose to hang themselves.

Use these techniques, and hopefully you’ll get a much higher percentage of the truth from you co-worker without having to file a lawsuit.

Working Wounded poll:

How truthful are the people where you work?

• It’s always the whole truth and nothing but, 3.3%
• It’s mostly the whole truth and nothing but, 36.7%
• I trust them as far as I can throw them, 59.9%

Working Wounded strategy:

Our winning strategy for dealing with a liar comes from F.R. in Gainsville, Fla.: “I know the popular opinion is to never deal with a liar. But I disagree. I think it’s not realistic. The key to me is to assume that everyone can lie and to learn how to monitor their truthfulness. Sure it sounds negative, but I’ve learned that the best way to trust people is to test them. It’s worked for me.”

Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. Sherrie Campbell is a relationship and business professional, having applied her counseling background in a variety of challenging organizational settings. They’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, especially if you have better ideas than they do. Also check out their complete column archive at workmash.org, “The Boss’s Survival Guide” and “Gray Matters: The workplace survival guide.” Send your questions or comments to bob@workmash.org.

How to survive a skeptic at work

DEAR WW: I work with a skeptic. He drives me crazy. No argument that I can ever give to him will sway him. And since I HAVE to work with this guy, I’m at wits’ end. HALF EMPTYDEAR HALF:

I recently asked a friend (age 9) what she wanted to be when she grew up. She smiled and said, “An Ologist.” I must have given her a confused look, because she quickly added, “An Ologist is someone who studies something intensely.

I’ve tripped over more than my shares of Ologists during my career. I also think of them as skeptics. The problem isn’t how they study things intensely; it’s how much energy they have to share with you the 10 reasons why your ideas will never fly based on their extensive understanding of the intricacies of your job. I’ve included some strategies for both understanding and surviving a skeptic below. For more, check out “The 5 Paths to Persuasion” by Miller and Williams (Warner, 2004).

Do you understand that credibility is the key? Most people at work are content with a good idea, no matter where it comes from. Skeptics seem to be another breed. They are equally concerned about the quality of an idea AND it’s pedigree. So it’s important to begin by establishing your credibility to discuss this issue. The key is not to get mad, but to just accept this as a price of doing business with them. What if they don’t listen? Then call in reinforcements someone they do respect.

Do you stand firm against their questions? I’ve been writing this column for 10 years. And I’ve resisted quoting one specific deodorant commercial for a decade. I’ve been tempted, but I’ve always resisted. Until now. When a skeptic blitzes you with questions, “Don’t let them see you sweat.”

Are you dispassionate and rational? It’s ironic, skeptics can often get very emotional, but they usually hate emotional arguments that are presented to them. That’s why it’s important to be professional and hyper-rational if you hope to get their attention and eventually their support.

Do you rely on primary sources of data? Anecdotal stories may work at parties, but most skeptics are pros at abusing anecdotes and secondary research. It’s important to present more ammo than just a bunch of stories if you’d like to avoid this fate. See what studies you can quote, or even better, what research that you can do to prove your case.

Do you give credit to the skeptic? Most of the time with a skeptic you want to drown them in their own half-full glass of water. It’s important to resist this temptation and give them as much credit as possible. And it’s also a smart strategy, because most people are loathe to criticize their own ideas.

I have no doubt my young friend will be the kind of Ologist who is a pleasure to work with. For all the rest, use the tips above.

Working Wounded poll:

How do you deal with a skeptic?

• Slap on the wrist, 16.3 percent
• Hold his or her hand, 32.1 percent
• Total avoidance, 51.5 percent

Working Wounded strategy:

Our winning strategy for dealing with a skeptic comes from B.R. in Lansing, Mich.:

“I am totally paranoid. So I listen to everything that everyone has to say. Sure a skeptic can really let the air out of your tires, but I’d much rather hear it from a coworker than from a customer. So my theory is that the best thing to do is listen to everyone. Heck, they just might be right.”
Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. Sherrie Campbell is a relationship and business professional, having applied her counseling background in a variety of challenging organizational settings. They’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, especially if you have better ideas than they do. Also check out their complete column archive at workmash.org, “The Boss’s Survival Guide” and “Gray Matters: The workplace survival guide.” Send your questions or comments to bob@workmash.org.

How to deal with betrayal at work

DEAR WW: I am having a really tough time working with a co-worker who betrayed me. I just can’t forgive or forget what happened. BURNED

DEAR BURNED:

A 34-year-old man in Hollywood, Fla., refused to pay $80 for a $78 towing bill. He demanded $2 in change, but the tow truck driver said he didn’t have any change. The towee was so upset that he jumped on the truck in order to confront the driver, however he slipped and fell under the truck to his death.

It seems like a steep price to pay for $2, don’t you think? But how many times have you held a grudge at work for something just as inconsequential? Admit it plenty of times. Betrayal happens all the time at work. And, believe it or not, it’s often overcome. I’ve listed some strategies below to let the healing begin. For more, check out “Trust and Betrayal in the Workplace” by Reina and Reina (Berrett-Koehler, 1999).

Do you discuss what happened? Have you ever had someone hold a grudge with you over something that you didn’t even realize was grudge-able? I have, and I’m embarrassed to also admit that I’ve held grudges, too. So I’ve been on both sides of this. That’s why I think it’s so important to talk to other people when you are bothered by their behavior. Don’t rub their nose in it, but do bring it up.

Do you allow feelings to surface? We hate emotions at work. But given the intensity of most of our jobs we need outlets to get stuff off our chests. Remember this is betrayal we’re talking about. I’d be surprised if the person didn’t have some strong feelings about what happened. This doesn’t mean that you have to become a human punching bag, but that it makes sense to give them a chance to blow off some steam.

Do you give support? My mom said that it was always important to think about what you liked about a person whenever you attempt to criticize them. That way you’ll be more balanced in what you say. So even as you accentuate the negative, try to come up with a few positives.
Do you reframe the experience? Sometimes just by viewing what happened through the other person’s eyes can help you appreciate why they acted as they did.

Do you accept your responsibility for what happened? It takes two to tango. It’s rare that something is 100 percent someone else’s fault. Accept your part of the blame, even if it’s just a small amount, and you should have enough goodwill to move past it.

Do you forgive? Maybe it’s just that I’ve screwed up a lot, but I’m a big believer in giving people a second chance. Heck, even a third, fourth or fifth. If you can appreciate your own imperfections, then hopefully you can be more charitable with other peoples’.

Betrayal is serious, but is it worth killing off an important work relationship?

Working Wounded poll:
What is your best strategy for dealing with a coworker who betrays you?

• Forgive and forget, 6 percent
• Stick it to ’em, 15.1 percent
• Steer clear of ’em, 78.7 percent

Working Wounded strategy:

Our winning strategy for dealing with betrayal comes from J.M. in Gainesville, Fla..:

“Behave with maturity. Your enemy is anger. Don’t waste time, energy, or negative emotion, getting even. Focus on long-term goals: performance, promotion, retirement. If appropriate, discuss betrayal. For serious betrayal, say ‘You have betrayed me. It will be a long time before I feel I can trust you again.’ Guard your conversation, and restrict unnecessary activity with these people. Maintain a courteous and professional demeanor. Prepare your mind. For the next eight hours, preserve your focus, poise, and judgment.”

Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. Sherrie Campbell is a relationship and business professional, having applied her counseling background in a variety of challenging organizational settings. They’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, especially if you have better ideas than they do. Also check out their complete column archive at workmash.org, “The Boss’s Survival Guide” and “Gray Matters: The workplace survival guide.” Send your questions or comments to bob@workmash.org.

Lewis Black talks about leadership and working with angry people

DEAR READERS: With four movies, a best selling book (“Nothing’s Sacred,” Simon Spotlight, 2006) and regular appearances on Comedy Central’s “Daily Show,” Lewis Black is the quintessential angry man. And very funny. George Carlin has said that Black is the one comedian that he’d pay to see. Working Wounded asked Black for his thoughts about work.Working Wounded: What would you do if you had a magic wand about work? Lewis

Black: I would tell people, don’t listen to what other people say. If more Americans actually set out to do what they want to do — they would end up doing what they want to do. A lot of people say they don’t know what they want to do. I don’t believe that.

WW: You’ve written a lot of plays and many have business themes, yet you don’t seem like a business guy.

LB: I was never good at business, so it’s my way of sticking it to them. And now I’m the CEO with seven people on the payroll. Half the time I’m yelling at the guy running the business saying I don’t know what I’m doing.

WW: What is the best part of being the CEO?

LB: I’m in the position where I can take money and distribute it to people. Nobody seems to be distributing it. The government isn’t.

WW: You have great compassion. How do you maintain it?

LB: I was broke for so long. I’m eternally grateful for this. It’s a total gift. What, are you kidding me? I lived for 25 years without health insurance. You constantly remember that.

WW: What is the key to being an effective leader?

LB: I’m a lousy CEO in a lot of ways. You need to be a facilitator. That’s the problem of leadership — they don’t facilitate. If someone is doing their job, you don’t sit on their neck. I talk to my people all the time. Is everything OK? What do you need? Are you alright?

WW: Why are so many people angry at work?

LB: Americans don’t really know how to govern or manage themselves. So the people who are running things are the last people on earth who should be running stuff.

WW: Your onstage character is very frustrated and angry. Did you start yelling right from the start or did your persona develop over time?

LB: A friend of mine told me, “I’m not angry and I’m yelling, and you’re angry and you’re not yelling. You’d better start yelling.” He said, “When you go onstage, I want you to start yelling.” And I did. I was angry, but I was sittin’ on it, which is really creepy. I wasn’t expressing my anger, and there’s nothing worse than someone who’s suppressing something.

WW: What advice would you give to the person who works next to a “Lewis Black” type angry guy?

LB: Coping with me? I would move my cubicle.

WW: Anything else?

LB: You have to bring gifts. Really nice things. CDs, no flowers, candy might work. Tickets. Anything to distract me.

Working Wounded poll:

How do you deal with angry people at work?

• Bribes, 1.1 percent
• Tell HR, 9 percent
• Sarcasm, 19.8 percent
• Tune them out, 69.2 percent

Working Wounded strategy:

Our winning strategy for dealing with angry people at work comes from L.B. in Toronto:

“I’ve tried to engage and work with angry people my entire career. But I’ve finally come to the conclusion that it probably isn’t worth the time and trouble. Sure, you can turn around one or two angry people and create a positive relationship. But at some point they need to take responsibility for acting like jerks. I guess I’m just worn out trying to be the one who makes things work. Take some responsibility angry guys (and yes, they are mostly guys).”
Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. Sherrie Campbell is a relationship and business professional, having applied her counseling background in a variety of challenging organizational settings. They’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, especially if you have better ideas than they do. Also check out their complete column archive at workmash.org, “The Boss’s Survival Guide” and “Gray Matters: The workplace survival guide.” Send your questions or comments to bob@workmash.org.

How to deal with a co-worker who acts like your boss

DEAR WW: I have a co-worker who is at the same level in the organization as I am. In fact, I’ve got more seniority. But he continues to boss me around. What can I do? BOSS NOT

DEAR NOT:

I once took a commuter flight from New York to Boston. The person who took my ticket just before I boarded the plane seemed a bit more dressed up than usual. Imagine my surprise when the pilot welcomed us on board and it was the same person who took my ticket. I spent most of the flight hoping it was a pilot who filled in as a ticket taker and not the other way around.

In most cases, the line between boss and employee isn’t this blurred. So you’ve got to do what you can to re-establish who has the right to order you around and who doesn’t. It’s not an easy thing to do. I’ve included some strategies for you below. For more, check out “Jerks At Work” by Ken Lloyd (Career Press, 1999).

Can you stand up to them? I once had a dog trainer explain to me that there were “alpha” dogs and “beta” dogs. Alpha dogs took command, while my poor beta dog would cower in the corner. It’s no different at work. There are alpha employees who can sniff weakness and will try to take advantage of it at every chance they can. You’ve got to learn how to be more assertive when you are working along side these people and learn how to present your ideas more compellingly.

Can you learn from them? This is the painful question. Often you can learn from a jerk. OK, maybe it’s mostly what not to do, but the bottom line is that before you trash them, take a moment to see if there is merit to any of their ideas.

Can you get your boss to put them in their place? This can help over the short term, but the problem is that the boss won’t always be there to protect you. Eventually, you’ll have to deal with this person, one on one. So even with your boss on your side, you’ll need to learn how to pump up your assertiveness muscles.

Can you limit your interactions to when others are around? Again, this is just a patch, but often people will be a bit less of a jerk when other people are around. Sure there are jerks who aren’t limited by who is around them, but often this can take just enough off the top that you might be able to interact successfully with them.

Can you avoid them? There is merit to the 10-foot pole approach. You know, here is the 10-foot pole I’m going to put between this jerk and me. You might be able to avoid this person most of the time at work. The problem is that your nemesis will tend to pop up at the worst times, but this can save you a lot of pain, especially if your boss isn’t in your corner.

Follow these tips and your bumpy flight at work should come to an end.

Working Wounded poll:

What is your strategy for a colleague who acts like your boss?

• Listen and learn, 12 percent
• Challenge and put down, 22.5 percent
• Avoid and tune out, 65.4 percent

Working Wounded strategy:

Our winning strategy for dealing with a bossy coworker comes from J.C. in Los Angeles, Calif.: “I actually listened to the little boss and thanked them for their advice. You could tell that they were totally startled by my respect for what they had to offer. Now this person is a big help to me; they’ve offered me a lot of insight about my job and the company. My strategy is that I’ll always listen to anyone who can help me to do a better job.”
Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. Sherrie Campbell is a relationship and business professional, having applied her counseling background in a variety of challenging organizational settings. They’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, especially if you have better ideas than they do. Also check out their complete column archive at workmash.org, “The Boss’s Survival Guide” and “Gray Matters: The workplace survival guide.” Send your questions or comments to bob@workmash.org.

How to deal with verbal abuse

DEAR WW: There is a person at work who is incredibly abusive to me. I’ve tried everything and nothing seems to work. ABUSED

DEAR ABUSED:

When I read your e-mail I though thought of Bob (no relation), an old elementary school classmate. Bob was the master of “The Mirror.” When someone insulted him, Bob would say, “Mirror, you’re the (and then he repeated whatever they’d just called him).”

OK, this is not the most creative approach. But believe it or not, there is something that can be said for simply holding up a mirror to an abusive person. I’ve listed a few other strategies below. For more, check out “You Can’t Talk to Me That Way!” by Arthur Bell (Career, 2005).

Can you repeat it? Have you ever said something and only realized it was dumb when someone repeated it back to you? OK, maybe it is my Jersey upbringing, but I’ve done this more times than I care to remember. One great way to neutralize an abusive person is to simply mirror it back to them. It’s not foolproof, but it’s one tool to carry in your toolbox.

Can you bring along a witness? It’s not easy to always travel with a posse at work, but it’s worth a try if your nemesis is someone you don’t see on a regular basis. Having a witness can calm them down, or if it doesn’t, at least now it’s not just your word against theirs.

Can you get someone on your side? If you know that you will be dealing with an abusive person, it’s a good idea to enlist support. Three places to start — Human Resources, your boss or your union. All can provide advice and possible ammunition for dealing them (although probably not the kind of ammunition that you’d prefer). It’s usually better to let key players know of a potential problem in advance rather than after the fact.

Can you take charge? Sometimes you can take charge of the conversation. Start talking about your past challenges and suggest a way to address each other in the future that can avoid past problems. One possibility, try, “Since we’ve had some problems talking in the past, how about if we try to do more of our communications via e-mail for a while. Maybe this will create a more constructive dialogue between us.”

Can you walk away? Sometimes a person is just beyond reasoning with. This may not always be an option, but sometimes it is the only way to deal with someone who has only bile for you.

Can you really walk away? I don’t believe that a paycheck is worth the kind of abuse that people have written to me about through the years. It just isn’t. I do maintain that there are sane bosses and sane companies out there. It’s your job to find ’em.

If only more organizations held up a mirror to the abusers in their midst, we could all experience a saner workplace.

Working Wounded poll:

How do you deal with abuse at work?

• I give it, 0 percent
• I take it, 20.6 percent
• I avoid it, 20.6 percent
• I stand up to it, 58.6 percent

Working Wounded strategy:

Our winning strategy for dealing with abuse at work comes from T.S. in Caldwell, N.J.:

“I carry a tape recorder with me at work — chalk it up to my failing memory. A co-worker used to give me a lot of grief. One day I taped him, then offered to play it back for him. It was amazing. He was on the best behavior from then on. I’m not sure everyone can pull off this one, but it sure worked for me.”

Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. Sherrie Campbell is a relationship and business professional, having applied her counseling background in a variety of challenging organizational settings. They’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, especially if you have better ideas than they do. Also check out their complete column archive at workmash.org, “The Boss’s Survival Guide” and “Gray Matters: The workplace survival guide.” Send your questions or comments to bob@workmash.org.

How to spot an enemy at work

DEAR WW: One of my co-workers makes me very nervous. How can you spot an enemy at work? TOO NICE

DEAR NICE:

I visited a high school friend in prison. A really mean-looking prisoner with bulging biceps walked in the room. I asked if he was the toughest guy in jail. My friend said no, and he nodded in the direction of an old, hunched-over little guy in the corner. “That’s the guy you want to avoid at all costs.”

Looks can indeed be deceiving. A huge threat can initially appear to be your best pal, and visa versa. I’ve listed some questions to help determine friend or foe at work, below. For more, check out “Worst Enemy, Best Teacher” by Deidre Combs (New World Library, 2005).

What makes you nervous about them? There are many things that can make us nervous about another person – when you hear that they’ve mistreated someone that you like; when they are rude to you or when you’ve heard a rumor that they are a potential threat. First, you might want to be very concerned when someone treats a colleague unfairly. You need to sort out who was really the source of the problem. People are under a lot of pressure at work: could there be a reasonable explanation for the behavior? Finally, company rumors are just that – rumors. It’s important to do some homework to decide if this rumor is worth worrying about.

Why do you consider them a threat? Could they threaten your job, take away a choice project or do they just make you uncomfortable? There are many people who may be threatening, but who can’t really do anything to harm you. And then there are others, who appear totally safe, but who can savagely stab you in the back. I’m not saying that everyone should be paranoid, just that we need to focus on the reality of our work situation and not just listen to those little hairs on the back of our necks.

Can you do something to sway them to your side? The popular phrase is random acts of kindness. Do favors for anyone who you think could be a threat. You just might find that you not only don’t have to worry about them, but that they can become one of your best supporters. You can use information, a free lunch or cup of coffee, a book they might be interested in – whatever.

What can you learn from them? This is where the rubber really meets the road in terms of enemies at work. You can teach you a lot about yourself. First, what about this person drives you crazy? Chances are pretty good that you probably see a lot of yourself in them. But also look at yourself through their eyes. What about you can be annoying to others?

Your worst enemy can be a great teacher, but even better is turning an enemy into someone you can trust.

Working Wounded poll:
Which best describes you at work?

• Everyone hates me, 8.6 percent
• No enemies here, everyone loves me, 17.3 percent
• No one knows me well enough to hate me, 26 percent

• I’ve got a few enemies, 47.8 percent

Working Wounded strategy:

One winning strategy for hiring comes from D.D. in Boston, Mass.: “I think the biggest problem in hiring is not illegal questions, but is having a bias toward a particular candidate. I found that I would ask easier questions if I liked a person and tougher if I didn’t. Now I have a list of standard questions and try to treat everyone equally. It’s not as much fun, but it’s really helped me to do a much better job of finding great talent for my company.”
Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. Sherrie Campbell is a relationship and business professional, having applied her counseling background in a variety of challenging organizational settings. They’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, especially if you have better ideas than they do. Also check out their complete column archive at workmash.org, “The Boss’s Survival Guide” and “Gray Matters: The workplace survival guide.” Send your questions or comments to bob@workmash.org.