How to improve your ability to receive feedback

Dear WW: My company has initiated feedback circles and my first review session is coming up. I’ve got myself worried sick! I don’t perform poorly, but tell that to my stomach! I’D RATHER DRINK CLOROX

Dear CLOROX,

Here’s a feedback story for you. When two teenagers in Sheboygan, Wisconsin were wondering aloud about how it would feel to get shot in the legs, a nearby relative decided to let them know. He got out his semi-automatic and shot them. Which goes to show, I guess, that you have to be really careful what you ask for.

Fortunately, feedback at work is rarely that injurious. Sure, it’s dangerous to ask people to take aim at each other. But if you can go into your feedback session with a positive attitude, the benefits CAN outweigh the risks. Here are some tips for making the experience positive. For more, check out “On The Level” by Pat McLagan and Peter Krebs (Berrett-Kohler, 1995).

Go for the most. The more feedback you get, the less defensive you’ll become. So ask for LOTS of feedback-maybe even more than your company requires. (Who knows? Maybe you’ll turn up some really useful information. And since some people are reluctant to offer criticism, asking often increases your chance of hearing from everyone. And don’t just ask once, it might take a couple of times for them to warm up to the idea of offering criticism.)

Remember that feedback is also tough to give. The only thing tougher than hearing a tough message is giving one. So empathize with your evaluator. Then psych yourself out that the person is paying you a compliment by stabbing you in the front, rather than the back.

Tell them what you want. McLagan suggests that you ask three things of the feedbacker. 1. Make your request specific: “what can I do better next time?” rather than “How am I doing?” 2. Ask for information, not an assessment: “what would you like to see me do more often (or less often)?” rather than “was my performance good?” 3. Give people time to prepare their feedback: “I’d love to get some feedback; could we talk next week?”

Keep cool. Remaining calm while someone is criticizing you may be the hardest thing you’ll ever do at work (or elsewhere!). But what you’ll hear by biting your lip might save you from a lot more pain later on.

Practice at home. Most work skills are best left at the office, but here’s one you can use at home. Ask your kids and spouse to give you feedback on your performance as a spouse and parent. Not once, but monthly. And give them feedback in response. Sounds dangerous? Only if it’s done meanly. And it just could make for closer relationships.

Still feel like you’re going into a shooting gallery? Well, think of it this way: the worst kind of feedback is the kind you never hear. So encourage those comments. They can be a terrific shot in the arm.

Working Wounded poll:

Which song title best sums up how you want people to give you feedback at work?

• “Don’t,” 14.6%
• “Hit Me With Your Best Shot,” 39.5%
• “Softly,” 45.8%

Working Wounded strategy:

Our winning strategy for feedback comes from Mary W. in Raleigh, NC. “Feedback hurts. But what’s the alternative? I dragged my feet when I heard that my company was going to introduce a program where employees evaluated their managers. But I learned a lot of stuff from the process. Was it easy? Of course not. But I’ve learned that when evaluations are only something you give, but never get, as a manager-you are cheating yourself and your people.”

Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. Sherrie Campbell is a relationship and business professional, having applied her counseling background in a variety of challenging organizational settings. They’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, especially if you have better ideas than they do. Also check out their complete column archive at workmash.org, “The Boss’s Survival Guide” and “Gray Matters: The workplace survival guide.” Send your questions or comments to bob@workmash.org.