How to deal with a boss who is a narcissist

Dear WW: My boss is the most self-centered SOB I’ve ever met. Do you have any tips on how to survive a boss who has an ego the size of the Sears Tower? LONELY NEAR THE TOP

Dear LONELY,

Did you celebrate last year’s “World Animal Day?” I missed it, but apparently it was a big deal in Turkey. Such a big deal, in fact, that when employees at the Izmir hospital heard that State Minister Yuksel Yalova would be visiting that day, they went whole hog in planning a celebration. They even slaughtered a lamb in his honor.

Fortunately Yalova stopped them before they got the second lamb. But it sounds like your boss doesn’t mind seeing others sacrificed to his glory. There’s not much you can do to change his personality, but there ARE some things you can do to ease your dealings with him and protect your skin. The tips below will help you cope. For more, check out “Narcissistic Leaders,” an article in the Jan/Feb ‘00 issue of the Harvard Business Review (reprint R00105).

Can you provide your own gratification? Narcissists are good at taking the glory, not giving it, so stop expecting your boss to compliment or reward your efforts. This doesn’t mean that you should do any less to look out for her, but that you must learn to get your strokes from other places.

Do you avoid flattery? People often deal with a narcissist boss by stroking their egos and agreeing unquestioningly with everything they say and do. But many narcissists can spot a person sucking up to them a mile away. Your boss will probably respect you more if you avoid flattery and cultivate a reputation as a straight shooter.

Can you learn to live with the fact that he’ll take credit for your ideas?  Unfortunately, sharing credit doesn’t come naturally to narcissists. (A boss of mine once took full credit for a magazine article I wrote, so I speak from experience.) What seems so normal to most of us, sharing credit, is not part of the game plan for most narcissists. This is one thing you’ll just have to learn to live with.

Can you show him why your views benefit him? Bosses like yours usually have one way to do your job-THEIR way. To get YOUR way considered, describe it in terms of its benefits to HIM.

Are you good with time management? With a narcissistic boss, your plate probably fills up faster than the plate of a starving person at a buffet. So take a time management course and get organized, or be prepared to eat, sleep and breathe your job.

Is your resume ready? There are plenty of sane bosses out there. Network like crazy and eventually you’ll find a boss who has enough self-confidence that he or she doesn’t need to trample on yours.

Follow these tips and you won’t have to worry about being anyone’s sacrificial lamb.

Working Wounded poll:

If you had to work for a narcissist which of the following would be your favorite saying?

• “Exactly how high should I jump?”, 13.1%,
• “No way, Jose”, 35%
• “I’ll give it my best shot”, 51.8%

Working Wounded strategy:

Our winning strategy for how to survive a narcissist comes from Lynn L. in Cyberspace.  “Having survived an infantile and narcissistic boss, I learned one way to prosper in this situation:  MEMO EVERYONE.  Since you won’t be getting any credit, it’s important to let your company in on how essential you are.  Whenever there is an opportunity to follow up (even if you’ve already spoken to them) you should send a memo, e-mail, intercom announcement, etc.  Oftentimes, the people who are cutback first are those where no one knew how much they did because their boss took all the credit.  There is no know cure for narcissism.  They’re very insecure people.  Stand up to them, you’d be surprised how easily they crumble. And be willing to walk away.”

Bob Rosner is a best-selling author, speaker and internationally syndicated columnist. Sherrie Campbell is a relationship and business professional, having applied her counseling background in a variety of challenging organizational settings. They’d love to hear your thoughts on this topic, especially if you have better ideas than they do. Also check out their complete column archive at workmash.org, “The Boss’s Survival Guide” and “Gray Matters: The workplace survival guide.” Send your questions or comments to bob@workmash.org.